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My Top 10 Favorite YA Books (So Far…)

I’ll admit it. I was one of those people who was judgmental about the YA genre at first, even though I later realized it’s what I wanted to write all along.  All I knew were the silly stories for tween girls that were around when I grew up, the ones whose plot lines consisted of the following: crushes on boys, insecurities about pimples, dates with boys, insecurities about weight, hearts getting broken by boys, insecurities about hair, and, um…babysitting? I didn’t read these books.  I tried a couple of times, but I just couldn’t do it.  The only books about young people that really meant anything to me were Go Ask Alice and Girl, Interrupted.  Stories of a runaway drug addict and a girl in a mental institution—fun stuff, right?  I guess you can say my taste for gritty, realistic teen fiction was decided early on, before the genre really existed.

When I was sending Beautiful around trying to land an agent, I was shocked when one finally informed me I write YA. How dare he lump me in the category of those silly books I grew up with? Sure, my characters were teenagers, but they weren’t exactly babysitting and cheerleading and crushing on the quarterback.  And, like, I wanted to write literature.

I have to admit my ego was slightly crushed. My definition of “writer” was based on fancy conversations in my MFA classes where people used words like “meta” and “juxtapostition” all the time and wrote experimental poetry I could barely pretend to understand.  I didn’t even know what “Young Adult Author” meant.  So I decided to do some research.

I scoured the internet for information about YA, bought the books I saw mentioned over and over again.  And then—well, all I can say is WOW. I was floored.  It was like someone had just opened the door into an entirely new world, a world I had been longing for, a world that immediately felt like home. I had been walking around with these tortured teen characters in my head for years, and I had no idea there were more like them.  These were the books I desperately needed when I was a teen. These were the books I wanted to write since I was thirteen years old.

The following ten books (in no particular order) speak to me in a way few adult books have. I am proud to be in company of these brave, brilliant authors. And hell yes, these books are literature. But most importantly, they tell the truth.

Speak—by Laurie Halse Anderson: I think this might have been the first YA I picked up. And thank God! So began my devotion for Ms. Anderson. An achingly honest portrayal of what a girl must do to emotionally protect herself, and begin to heal, from the memory of sexual trauma.

Wintergirls—by Laurie Halse Anderson: Haunting is the best word to describe this book.  It’s about a girl’s struggle with anorexia, but it’s so much more. I’ve said before elsewhere, but I’ll say it again: If anyone doubts the literary merit of YA, they must read this book. Some of the more beautiful prose I’ve ever read.

Luna—by Julie Anne Peters: The story of a girl whose brother is transgendered.  At its essence, I think this story is about how incredibly brave people can be in their journey to find and love themselves.  And thank God such an amazing book exists for kids going through similar things.

Punkzilla—by Adam Rapp: According to Goodreads: “a searing novel-in-letters about a street kid on a highstakes trek across America.”  One of the most memorable voices I’ve ever read.

Looking for Alaska—by John Green: You’ve read this, right? Don’t tell me you haven’t read this. That’s just completely unacceptable. All I’m going to say is I have never cried so hard on public transportation as when I was reading this book. Just thinking about it is making me teary. This man can sure tell a story. Someone should combine John Green’s DNA with Laurie Halse Anderson’s and make a The World’s Greatest YA Author EVER. Anyone out there know anything about genetics?

The Perks of Being a Wallflower—by Stephen Chbosky:  I hate trying to summarize books because a description of the plot could never encompass the feelings I had while reading it. I guess I’d say this one’s about a sensitive outcast’s journey toward finding himself. I just loved this kid. Plus, this book was banned all over the place, so that gives it major cool points, right?

Girl–by Blake Nelson: I kind of hate this description from Goodreads, but it’s pretty accurate: “A Catcher in the Rye for the “Grunge” generation, this instant classic will speak to anyone who has ever had to choose between the suffocation of conformity and the perils of rebellion.” And if it took place in Seattle rather than Portland, it could kinda be my teen years. Ah, vintage dresses with fishnets and big boots, how I miss you.

King Dork—by Frank Portman: Quite possibly the funniest book I have ever read. In contrast to Looking for Alaska, I don’t think I’ve ever laughed this hard on public transportation. The main character is one of the weirdest, most loveable characters I’ve ever read.

Cracked Up to Be—by Courtney Summers:  I guess you could say it’s about a “perfect” girl’s fall from the top and the horrible secret that causes it, but the most amazing thing about this book is how realistic the characters are, how complicated, and how brave Courtney is for making the MC so incredibly unlikeable at times. The way she crafts the story so that the reader learns to like the MC as she learns to like and accept herself—just genius.

Hunger Games—by Suzanne Collins:  Which one of these books is not like the others? Not really though. Dystopian adventure and gritty realism aren’t really that different when you think about it.  The edgy fiction I love explores the psychology of troubled characters, while good dystopian fiction explores the psychology of troubled societies.  Plus this series is also just plain entertaining adventure. Who says an emo girl doesn’t just want to be entertained sometimes?

So I guess my taste is pretty obvious. You won’t find many happy families or well-adjusted characters in these books (and don’t even get me started on vampires and werewolves). I know I’ve barely scratched the surface of all the wonderful YA there is to read. So I’m curious—judging from this list and the kind of stuff I like, what books do you think I need to read next?

Guess what? I’m 1/4 Filipina.  Bet you didn’t know that. Bet you assume most YA authors are white. Don’t feel bad–you’re probably right.  People don’t talk about it much, but YA is pretty darn white. I don’t have any real statistics for you, but I bet if you did a survey of a random sampling of YA novels, the vast majority (like in the 90th percentile) would have white main characters and white authors. And even though I’m technically not 100% white, yes, I’m guilty–I write white characters too.

It just happens to be the world I know. Even though I’ve looked in the mirror my whole life and seen someone who didn’t quite look like everyone around me, I’ve always pretty much identified as white. Until 7th grade, I grew up on an island that was almost completely white, with only a handful of Asian families and one, count ‘em ONE, black family.  My grandfather married a white woman and raised his daughters to reject their ethnic heritage. He even instructed them to marry white men. He managed a grape farm in Delano California, right in the middle of the birth of the farm workers movement, but he was on the wrong side. While the Filipino and Mexican farmers organized around him, as they protested and marched and demanded their rights, my grandfather was firing men who looked like him for trying to take a sick day. He was hiring security guards to protect him from Cesar Chavez. He was punishing his daughters for speaking Tagalog. He was hating himself for being brown.

And a couple generations later came me, a mutt with a no knowledge of my ethnic heritage, with a mother who didn’t look like any of my friends’ mothers. As I grew up, I wanted to learn more, but my mom’s memories were suspect. She remembered pig roasts, volleyball games, the men she called “tio”.  But transcripts from a case the United Farm Workers brought against my grandfather’s farm tell a different story.  They tell the story of a man who always sided with the white farm owners. They tell the story of a man who treated the men who worked for him like animals.

This is the only story I know–the idyllic memories of a devoted daughter mixed with a history of social justice that does not paint a nice picture.  This is my schizophrenic heritage.  This is all I have. That, and I tan nicely.

I apologize for the lapse in blog postings.  I’ve been so busy finishing my second novel (now officially titled CLEAN. Yay!), starting my third novel, going back to work on the edits for CLEAN, being ridiculously busy at my day job, plus trying to have some fun in the gorgeous Oakland summer.  I feel like I have a lot to tell you, but I still can’t formulate my thoughts enough for a meaningful blog post.  In the meantime, I thought I’d share with you something from the past.

“Under the Wall” is a short story I published in Fiction Magazine in 2006.  I had already published a short non-fiction piece in the sadly retired Bay Area journal Kitchen Sink, but my good friend was one of the editors so it kind of felt like it didn’t count.  Getting my first story published in such a prestigious journal as Fiction (I share the issue with Joyce Carol Oates, for cripes sake) pretty much blew my mind. I finally made it! I could now tell people I was a writer without feeling like a liar (not true, by the way.  I still feel like I’m lying when I tell people I’m a writer, even with a novel published).

This story is also where BEAUTIFUL was born.  You may recognize some passages in the story that I repeated verbatim in the novel.  I realized quickly a short story was not enough to contain this story–it had to be a novel. This publication, in a roundabout way, is also what ended up landing me an agent.  That’s a long story–perhaps a good subject for my next blog post?

I hope you like it.

xoxo

Amy

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I’m sitting here in my little thatched-roof bungalow in Belize, looking out the window at the rain and mysteriously named jungle plants, waiting for my husband to wake up.  The locals are saying the rainy season started early this year, the result of global warming and an angry Mother Earth.  I’m starting to get paranoid about the world ending in 2012.  I’ve been hanging out in the center of the ancient Mayan civilization after all, and they’re the ones who started the rumor.  All signs point to a day of reckoning.

Our tour guides proudly tell us they are the descendants of the Maya.  They have led us over pyramids and through caves, taught us the medicinal uses of this tree and that shrub, taught us how to bark like Howler Monkeys.  They have introduced us to the skeleton of a woman exactly my age, a human sacrifice hundreds of years old, brought half a mile into the earth through a maze of stalagmites and stalactites, over rocks and through narrow crevices.  She must have waded through the same underground river, felt the same cold limestone walls as she navigated through the dark.  Or were her hands tied behind her back? Did she speak as she was led to her death? Did she beg to be set free? Or did she believe it was an honor to be a gift to the gods?

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Yesterday I decided it’d be funny to post my old poetry (at the suggestion of Twitter buddy @emilytastic). So I went home and rummaged through old boxes containing dozens of dusty notebooks and binders full of yellowed pages.  The plan was to read through them and select the juiciest pieces for your amusement.

I now realize that was a terrible idea.

What I discovered was that not only was I a horrible writer as a teenager, I was also totally full of shit.  I was convinced that I was the deepest and smartest and most wounded teenager the world had ever seen, and I was so incredibly unique that no one could possibly understand me.  These were apparently some of my favorite words, as proven by their repeated use: oppression, ignorance, darkness, conformity, paradox, apathy, and hypocrisy. And oh, did I mention the constant use adverbs and alliteration? Oh. My. God.

These poems (if you can even call them that) paint the picture of an incredibly lonely, angry, and probably mentally unstable young lady with delusions of grandeur and a really hard time keeping metaphors consistent.  She was also sexually frustrated, into Wicca, fond of death imagery and the phrases “silent scream” and “deafening silence,” and apparently convinced she was the reincarnation of Anne Sexton or Sylvia Plath.   I can almost hear her voice reciting the poems in front of her freshman year Creative Writing Club, 100% earnest and with one of those awful Beatnik poetry voices. You have no idea how much I am cringing right now.

I considered going back on my promise to share these with you. When one is mortified with embarrassment, it is often difficult to see the humor in a situation.  But then I got a glimpse of myself at sixteen, a beautiful girl but always trying to cover it up, dressed in a charming combination of hippie, goth, indie rocker, and riot grrrl styles, trying so hard to act like a free spirit but oh so incredibly serious and uptight. And scared. God, I was scared of everything. But I tried so hard to act like a tough girl.  I watched movies and read books I didn’t understand and pretended I liked them because I wanted so badly to impress people.  I wrote this poetry and pretended I understood myself and you and society and the government and religion and The Truth. I can see this girl walking barefoot, drinking coffee, writing manifestos, hating the “phonies,” worshiping the The Northwest and everything Indie, believing with all her heart that all of her thoughts and all of her feelings were truly original. There she is–this scowling, unshaven, thrift shop clothed girl who thinks she knows everything, reciting her poetry as if her life depends on it, screaming “LISTEN TO ME!” at the top of her lungs.

Did I mention the deafening silence?

I think I’ll just call this a study in humility.  Yes, I am a published author and I wrote a book I am very proud of. But before all that, I wrote this:

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It’s a little late (almost seven months since the release date) but my husband Brian and I FINALLY finished the book trailer for BEAUTIFUL! Slow and steady wins the race, or something like that. My excuse is we’re both extremely busy–I’m working and writing, he’s making movies and music–but luckily we were able to carve out enough time to create this, ahem, dare I say it?–masterpiece.  The truth is he did most of the work.  I am so grateful to have such a talented, generous dude in my life.

One of my first projects in film school was to create a couple movie trailers, using music and footage from the film to edit a minute teaser together.  I remember I did trailers for the movies Heathers and Gattaca, and I loved it.  Editing is a lot like writing–you cut and paste and fit things together to tell and story and create dramatic and emotional arcs.  I learned much of what I know about narrative structure and the craft of storytelling through video editing.  It was art school, so I didn’t learn much else, but at least it wasn’t a total waste of time.  Brian and I met in film school, by the way.  We got to know each other working on creative projects like this, and later, music too.  It’s a pretty amazing thing to be able to share art-making with one’s partner.  I am really, really, really lucky.

I’d also like to thank my friend Hugh Howie for doing the titles, and Paul Bradley for the drums.  Did I mention my brilliant husband did the music for the trailer? Can you even believe so much talent is contained in one couple? Hahaha

Anyway, I hope you like it. We had a lot of fun making it.

Some of you probably caught the #gimmeacall hashtag on Twitter yesterday and today, where folks tweeted messages of advice to their former high school selves (in honor of the release of Sarah Mlynowski’s new novel Gimme a Call). A few of my favorites:

  • “Dear high-school self: don’t worry, you’ll put those bitches in a book one day” (@abbymcdonald)
  • “Dear 15-year-old self, those comics you feel guilty for spending your barmitzvah money on each week will save your life one day” (@neilhimself aka Neil Gaiman)
  • “Dear HS Self: You have a page on wiki now. The guy who chased you w/a knife cause he thought you were gay doesn’t” (@adamselzer)

This (in addition to a bizarre dream I had starring my 7th and 8th grade boyfriends) made me start thinking about my teen years, about all of the things I wish I could tell the younger me that might have prevented a whole lot of pain and embarrassment.  However, if it weren’t for that pain and embarrassment, I probably wouldn’t be writing to you now.  Why on earth would I want to write teen novels if I had no personal need to revisit that traumatic period of my life?  There are far more lucrative things to do with my time.  If it weren’t for the pain, I probably wouldn’t be a writer at all.

It’s a strange thing to think about–how much experience forms a person’s identity, how so much of who were are is really just a matter of chance.  What if I hadn’t moved when I was twelve?  What if I stayed in my safe, small town until I graduated from high school?  What if I had never had those particular friends and boyfriends? What if I had gone to a different college? I could be someone totally different today, someone unrecognizable.  I could have had a safe, uneventful life. I could have made “smart” choices.  But honestly, what fun would that be? If it weren’t for all those less-than-smart choices, I wouldn’t have had so many opportunities to learn, to be challenged, to grow and build character.

I can say that now because I’m a safe distance away.  I’ve lived through it, learned my painful lessons, and built myself a hard-earned happily-ever-after.  If my teen self read this drivel, she would probably want to punch me in the nose. God, how I hated those patronizing adults who kept saying “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” or “You’ll look back on these years and laugh.”  Well, I’m not laughing. I look back on those years and they still make me shudder. The difference is I can now see that all those painful moments were not actually the end of the world, and they would in fact come in handy later.  And what better revenge on the past is there than taking it and making it yours? I have taken those years, transformed them and turned them into fuel, made them into something useful and beautiful.

Blah blah blah. There are still a lot of things I would have liked to get through my thick teenage skull.

For instance:

  • That friend who says she can give you a tattoo in the park with a sewing needle? Don’t listen to her.
  • Go with your first instinct and skip prom. It totally sucked.
  • Don’t let that creepy hippie guy hug you. There’s a reason he’s always hanging around teenage girls.
  • This whole boyfriend thing? There’s a reason “friend” is in the title. You’re supposed to like them.
  • Just consider going to a different college than the one you had your mind set on since freshman year.  Seriously, it won’t kill you to change your mind.
  • STAY AWAY FROM THE GREEN-HAIRED GIRL!
  • Hide your journal somewhere your mom can’t find it.
  • You could try being a little nicer to people who aren’t like you. That rich skinny girl who’s always smiling and tan even in winter–she’s actually not the devil.
  • You may not get caught for stealing that car, but you will pay karmically. Oh yes you will.
  • There’s a girl in seventh grade who will save your life with her friendship.  Don’t let her drift away.  Your heart will break for the rest of your life if you lose her.
  • Trust your instincts about people. If they scare you, they’re probably not the right people to hang out with.
  • You don’t have to be so lonely. There are people like you. You just have to open your eyes a little wider to see them.
  • Don’t spit. It’s really ugly.
  • Your body is yours alone. It is your choice what happens to it.
  • Your parents love you. Ask them for help.
  • Those best friends of yours in high school? They still are. They were in your wedding party, including the boys.

What about you? Do you have anything you wish you could say to your younger self?

There’s been a lot of talk on the web in the last few days about the tragic story of Phoebe Prince, a 15-year-old girl who committed suicide after being ruthlessly bullied. At first, I tried to avoid reading the angry and heartbroken posts about her. I was afraid. A coward. I did not want to be reminded of my own past, the wounds from nearly seventeen years ago that still feel fresh whenever I think about them.

A lot of people have asked me how autobiographical Beautiful is.  I usually say something cryptic like “some,” or “a little,” or sometimes even “a lot.” I remember workshopping it in my MFA program, how someone commented that a few of the scenes were unbelievable.  The scenes she was talking about just happened to be some of the most autobiographical in the book.  It is often said that truth is stranger than fiction. Truth is also scarier than fiction. It is also more tragic.

The truth is, there was an Alex.  She had green hair. She made me burn pictures of my old friends.  She convinced me to do things I knew were wrong, and I called her my best friend.  And then she turned on me.  To this day, I don’t really know why. Perhaps part of writing Beautiful was an attempt to find out.  Maybe I was trying to understand her, trying to understand how someone could be so cruel.  However many pages later, I still don’t know the answer.

That scene toward the end of the book with the gangster girls next to the mom’s car? Yes, that really happened.

The phone calls to Cassie’s home, the death threats? Yes, that happened too.

Despite “Alex”‘s discipline history, despite a call to the police, despite my mom’s repeated entreaties, the school administration refused to do anything about the bullying.  I had to change schools, but that did not solve everything. I was traumatized. Relationships and trust remained difficult for a very long time. I thought I saw her everywhere I went. I’d panic when I had to go somewhere she might be.  There’s a knot in my stomach now just thinking about it.  I’m thirty years old, but my body holds a memory of that fear.  The pain of that time of my life is still raw, can still make me feel like I’m thirteen and huddled in my bedroom wondering if it will ever stop.

That’s when I started writing.  That’s why I had to start writing.  That’s why I write now.

YA Authors Megan Kelly Hall and Carrie Jones are starting to get a group of young adult authors together to make a stand against the type of bullying that killed Phoebe Prince, that almost killed me, that tortures so many kids across the country.  Isolation is deadly, and we must do everything we can to let kids know they never have to feel this alone.  There is always a better way out.  There is always hope.

Ever wonder how the cover for Beautiful came to be?  Melissa Walker asked me, so I told her for Unabashedly Bookish, The Barnes & Noble Community Blog.  I’m reposting here because I thought you might find it interesting:

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Hello blog.  It’s been awhile.  My excuse is I’ve been writing, which is a pretty good excuse if you ask me.  Since, like, I’m supposed to be a writer, and, like, my next book’s due to my editor May 1, and, like, I have approximately ten pages left to write.  This is when things start getting weird.  I’m excited that she’s almost done, but I’m also feeling a little protective, like I want to grab her and hold her tight and not let her go.  (Yes, apparently my book has a gender.  I told you it’s getting weird.)  She’s been my baby for about a year, and we’ve grown extra close these last few months, getting cozy in the big cushy chairs of my favorite coffee shop, scribbling madly on the train, stealing moments to jot down dialogue when I’m supposed to be working at my day job.  Now she’s almost grown up, ready to send off to my editor in big, scary New York. And then what? Empty nest syndrome? Mourning her loss?  Moving onto the next story and cast of characters like nothing happened?

I still miss Beautiful.  Of course I have some copies at home and I get to talk about the book all the time, but it’s not the same as being inside it, living and breathing that world and those beautiful, broken characters.  I miss Cassie and Sarah.  Oh, how I miss Sarah. I still get a lump in my chest whenever I think about her.  Sometimes I wonder what Cassie’s doing now, if she’s enjoying her new school, if she found the loving friendships and peace she so desperately needed.  I wonder if she was able to stay off drugs, if she was able to learn to stop running from herself and her pain.  Maybe her parents started paying a little more attention.  Maybe they all started spending time together as a family. Maybe Cassie learned to love herself just a little bit, enough to give her the strength to say No when she needs to, enough to make her hope for something better.

But they’re not real, are they?  Their lives are contained in thin 6×9″ pages.  There is a beginning and an end to their story, a front a back cover.  But why doesn’t it feel that way?  Why do I feel like they’re somewhere close, just around the corner?  Why do I miss them like family?

I don’t feel ready to say goodbye to these new characters.  But I guess I have to.  I will reluctantly let them go.  Because if I don’t, you will never get to meet them.

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